We are all strangers
until we are not.
We are all just strangers, until we are not.
I was taking the subway back from class today, blasting Hozier in my headphones as the too familiar “stand clear of the closing doors please” echoed behind the music. When the train pulled off the station a plastic orange juice bottle rolled across the floor and landed at the feet of a girl sitting across from me, we instinctively looked at each other and smiled. A small acknowledgement of “oh it’s ok, it’s just a bottle”–because you really never know what you will find on the floor of the New York city subway.
A few moments later a man screaming and talking to himself came into our subway car. The girl and I exchanged an “oh no” look that also held a fellowship; an “I got you.” After a few tense moments of staring at our shoes and pretending we couldn’t hear him yell at someone at the other end of the subway, the man moved on to the next car, we looked at each other again, this time letting out a sigh of relief and leaning back into our seats. A minute or so later we arrived at my station, but before leaving the train I smiled and gave her a nod. She did the same in return.
All I could think about as I stepped out of the station onto the chilly evening was a Substack note I had read earlier that morning that stuck with me all day:
Earlier today I had also chatted with a barista, we talked about the chocolate fig cake I always order, and joked with the owner about knowing each other our whole lives or something. It was a very quick interaction but we all left smiling. All of them total strangers. The barista, the cafe owner, the girl in the subway, the girl I had to say “excuse me” to three times at the grocery store and we laughed when we walked into the same aisle for a fourth time, and all of this in a single day. Every positive interaction I have with a stranger makes my day a little bit better.
With our private and isolated lives it is so often we let strangers go by unnoticed. We believe we are all walking alone. But once in a while we are reminded, by these small interactions, that we are surrounded by people.
My mom sometimes tells me “for someone who is so introverted, and avoids social situations as much as you do, you are such a sweet and friendly person when strangers talk to you.” And yes, I do spend most of my time avoiding certain social interactions: if I hear my neighbors in the hallway as I am about to step out I purposefully wait until they’ve left before going out, sometimes I walk a bit slower so someone I know doesn’t see me, I always, always, avoid getting on a phone call, and if someone flirts with me I feel so anxious I get physically sick and avoid them forever.
But these interactions with strangers are something else. They don’t always mean a full conversation, they don’t mean I am being ‘social,’ they only mean being kind. I never exchanged a single word with the girl on the subway, and only a few “excuse me”s with the girl at the grocery store, yet they made my day. Like the substack note so eloquently put “it’s the reassurance that the world is not split solely into people who already love you and people who never will.” I would add to that “and people who don’t care that you exist.”
I think these small interactions are soft reminders that strangers do care about your existence. Maybe indirectly, and maybe just for a moment, but that girl in the subway made me feel like I wasn’t alone. We were strangers, and remained strangers, and will probably never see each other again, but for a moment we were strangers together. And neither of us was alone.
I also read this wonderful piece by William B. Irvine today. (One of those things where once you think about something it starts showing up everywhere) He goes more in depth about talking to strangers. I am not so bold as to start a conversation with strangers–and absolutely far too introverted for it–but I think this line of thought helps us navigate life more attentively.
Strangers are the only constant company for many of us. In adult life we go several days without seeing our friends and family, but we see strangers every day. The strangers around us are the community and support we have no option but to trust and share our space with.
Be a good stranger!
